It's been a very long and difficult 10 months since I returned home from Mali. I've been stressed, depressed, scared, frustrated, disappointed, exhausted - all at the thought that I had been kicked off my path in life and had no idea where to go. I've played with a number of ideas on where to go from here: become a farmer, become a nutritionist, get a MS in agriculture and/or horticulture, move to Hawaii and just work from farm to farm, I've tried blogging about food news, health, nutrition without much success (it just didn't stick), thought about working at my current job forever, thought about this and that, again without much pull towards any one specific thing. And the disappointment and upset continued to come with every new Facebook news feed story about one of my former co-Peace Corps volunteers being transferred to an amazing country (like my dream country, Vanuatu ...with endless scuba diving) or staying in West Africa or going to Nepal... just amazing thing after amazing thing happening to someone else other than me. After month 6, 7, and 8 of being home, tears were still unstoppable at the thought that I had completely screwed myself by leaving Peace Corps.
Where the hell was I supposed to go?
What was I supposed to do?
I thought about taking a GRE course back in March to just hop on the train and do something. But it didn't feel right. I didn't really know what I wanted to go to school for, I didn't want to make the financial investment until I really knew, and everything was just cloudy. Not much room for clear thought and planning like I was used to. I had to detox my body and mind, and clear the way for the old determined, passionate, focused Tracy to come back. I missed her, I really did.
In a desperate attempt to regain myself and my direction, I signed up for a workshop at Yoga District called "Manifesting the Life You Want: The Yoga of Dreaming Big" with a great teacher. The short 2-hour workshop was eye opening and led to a flood of emotions from in-session journaling and visualizations. In shavasana (the final relaxation pose of yoga), we were asked to visualize - without much pressured thought - our futures, both short and long term, even down to the details of the clothes we were wearing. After a few seconds of darkness in my mind, beautiful images were concocted: short term, I saw myself sitting on a beach reading public health books for my course of study, greeting well-known passerbys of the community I was so involved with; long term, I was running my own small nonprofit organization in Southeast Asia (using French in Vietnam or elsewhere) focused on community health. With the help of this workshop, and months of self-exploration, vegetarianism/veganism, yoga, knitting, biking, journaling, reading, working at AFJ and just letting myself chill with where I'm at in life, I've finally felt the dust settle in my mind and I'm making a move: I'm applying to a Master of Public Health program (MPH)! I'm beyond excited and feel that old sense of determination and passion coming back to me. I'm glad I gave myself some time to make this decision.
The truth is (and of course my perception of truth can and has changed over time) the environment sector of Peace Corps wasn't for me, at least not at the time I was there. I was so starved for outdoor life, for greenery, for fresh air outside of the stifling environment of working at the law firm too many hours per week, that I think I might have been overcompensating by going from one extreme to the next. Don't get me wrong - I LOVE Peace Corps and will gladly go back in a second when the time is right for me. With better credentials, focus and experience, I can be more choosy with my placement. I imagine myself running a more advanced community nutrition program in West Africa or Southeast Asia.
One day that will come.
For now, I'm laying the ground work with an advanced degree, true to where my head and heart has been all along. I started focusing on what I was eating in my early teens. I've always been healthy and it's always been important to me. I enjoy researching new topics in health and subsequently forcing that information down the throats of loved ones in hopes of improving their health ;) And I'm exciting to expand upon my current knowledge and build a good base of public health research and leadership. All hoping I get into a program :) I'm applying to 10 schools:
- Yale
- Columbia
- University of IL at Chicago
- University of Michigan
- Emory
- Drexel
- San Diego State (had to throw in the beach in there somewhere)
- Colorado State
- Tulane
- University of Boston
I can't help but think how HOT it would be to get into Yale School of Public Health :) It's a beautiful fantasty now, and only the next few months will tell. I signed up for a GRE course starting this weekend and am taking the GRE December 1. I've limited myself to applying to schools with deadlines in January or later, as I'm entering this application process a little late in the game. But I think my options are great and I'm excited for the road ahead. I need to do a fair amount of research on the current public health field so that I can write a kick-ass personal statement. And I need to study like woah for the GRE to get my scores hopefully as high as my grades from AU.
I appreciate all the support I've gotten over the past couple of years from family and friends, especially during my crazy roller-coaster ride through the Peace Corps application process. While I may not be blogging as much as I did then, I will provide timely updates as to how my MPH application process is going and of course updates on which schools accept me and hopefully which ones give me enough money to afford going there! I'm saying goodBYE to private school loans! I'm hoping for enough federal loans, work study, and scholarships to get me by. I appreciate any positive energy you can throw my way for that as well ;)
Thanks for listening
<3 <3 <3
tracy
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