This Door Has Closed Earlier Than Expected, and Another Has Opened

It's taken me a while to sift through the medical problems and, even more so, to tackle the personal challenges of what has materialized in the past 5 weeks. On December 30, 2011 I was medically evacuated from Mali, and sent back to Washington, DC for ongoing medical issues. Not so coincidentally, I became quite sick on the plane, and was taken by ambulance from the tarmac to the hospital where I stayed for 5 days. Medical evacuation is a tricky issue in Peace Corps, and I wasn't sure if Peace Corps was going to deem me in good enough shape to go back to Mali, so I made the decision not to tell many friends and loved ones I had returned to the States. I've been in intensive care through Peace Corps and doctors in DC for the past few weeks, and have recently come to the realization that it is not in my best interest or health to return to Mali. This has been an incredibly difficult time, in which I have felt a number of things - sadness, defeat, shame, exhaustion, failure, etc. So many of you have supported me in such wonderful ways through my challenge of getting into the Peace Corps and readying for my departure. This was part of the reason I chose not to inform people I had been evacuated: because I felt ashamed something I worked so hard for ended so quickly, and I didn't want myself to appear to others as someone incapable of not only pursuing but achieving great things for the world. While that shame is still lingering there, I have also come to realize the importance and responsibility of acknowledging my situation and doing what is best for me. I was not in best health in Mali, for a number of reasons, and I don't think I could have performed the way I really needed to for my community. And in all the struggles I have faced, and will continue to face throughout my life, one of the hardest genres of these struggles is the struggle of admitting to yourself what is real and what has to be done. I needed to come back to the United States to take care of myself, and get the needed medical treatment to return to a healthier place. While it is difficult, I am coming to a place of no longer feeling ashamed for this. And I want to share that feeling with all of you. We were raised and continue to live in such a product-focused, end-goal focused, productivity-focused culture, and it often fails to meet our emotional, physical, spiritual needs of personal growth and health maintenance. It is not a failure to admit to yourself something is not working. It is not a failure to change careers mid-way through your life because you find it is not where you need to be, and you start to listen to what your true calling is. Peace Corps will always be a part of my life and I firmly say right now that I will return to Peace Corps at a healthier time in my life. Because I am doing what is best for me now, and I want to encourage everyone to do the same. Start trying to cut out the "should's" and the "what if's" and the "what other people will think's." I waited a few weeks to tell a close friend of mine that I had returned, confessing to her that I was worried she might be disappointed. She nearly started to tear and said that my health and wellbeing was the utmost priority to her, and that I should follow the path that provides the best support for me, that everything happens for a reason, that there are no coincidences. And I think that is true of all of your true loved-ones. It is your health and happiness and wellbeing and fulfillment that reigns as central priority. I worked very hard to get into the Peace Corps and to have my loans deferred (as many of you know), AND (not "but") I am taking the path that is most supportive of me right now. And I still hope so deeply that I have not disappointed anyone, as I keep my promise to continue to share with the world my experiences, to help those in need (as broad as a statement that is), and to follow my calling wherever it shall bring me. In preparing for Plan B (the non-Peace Corps Plan A), I applied to a number of jobs in DC. A wonderful organization, the Art & Drama Therapy Institute of DC, brought me in for an interview last week. The organization works with adults with intellectual and developmental disabilities, incorporating the arts (theater, sewing, dance, singing, etc.) into their developmental therapy. They wish to hire me as a Program Assistant, specifically as a weaving and sewing instructor for 6 individuals with mental retardation. I will be in charge of the care of these individuals and help them with hand crafts skills as part of their larger mental therapy. While I am unable to return to Kadiaradugu in Mali (where I already miss Hady and the community...as well as my homestay family in Sunduguba Koro), I feel drawn to the Art & Drama Therapy Institute to use the skills I have (in sewing, knitting, crochet) to help people on a more local level. I am still mourning the medical separation from Peace Corps, while welcoming this new opportunity to help people in different ways.

Dear Peace Corps,

You have given me so much! I learned Bambara in only two months. What shall I do with this language now? I apologize for having to leave so quickly, but I promise I will return to you in the coming years, much healthier with more skills, experience and education. I promise to continue my urban farming work and newly found passion for human nutrition through the human-nature connection, to be able to serve an international community much better than I can now.

Thank you for everything you have given me,

Tracy

And to all of my loved ones, thank you again SO MUCH for all the support you have given me, and the wonderful inspiring words you've shared with me regarding my struggles and overcoming them.

We can all move mountains! ;)